After a failed 26 year marriage, I entered the world of dating as a naïve 48 year old who hadn’t had a date since Ronald Reagan was President. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and not knowing made the adventure all the better.
I met my current love almost immediately after moving out of the house. Two and half years down the road, our life is incredible, and the sex is so smoking hot I still can’t believe what I have in my life. You see, both of us had reached a point where we knew what we didn’t want. But neither of us could articulate what it was that we wanted.
I needed to be able to shake off the shackles of the past if I was to have any chance with this beautiful woman. And in an environment of love and trust, we both discovered who we were and what we wanted. Here is what I learned that may be of value to some other men.
In two and a half years I have asked for oral sex exactly two times. Despite this fact, I have received hundreds of blow jobs. I never act like I am owed, or even that I expect this wonderful act of love, and magically, when she didn’t feel obligated by a pouting baby, she found that she loved giving head. Not only do I get head four or five times a week, she swallows, and I have never asked for that gift either.
I ask her permission before I do anything. This includes going down on her, entering her, taking her anally, or placing my hands on her pussy. This show of respect is appreciated and rewarded. I thanks her every time she allows me to go down on her. She loves getting head and I love giving it. So why the thanks? Because it is a gift I appreciate and I never want her to guess that I am truly thrilled at the unlimited access she grants me.
Ask, ask, ask. I wanted her to flash me in public places. I wanted to try anal. I wanted to play with toys. Guess what? She wanted to do this and more. Open and honest communication has led us to places I never imagined I would be. Videos? We have made dozens. Pictures and sexting? We do it from work. How did we know this would work for us? We talked about.
Don’t pressure her to share her fantasies. Allow her too, but don’t act like she has to perform on demand. Make a list of where you alternate entering fantasies as a way to start. Don’t hold her to anything she writes unless you want her to shut down. Not all fantasies are meant to be realities.
Talk, talk, talk. Something went wrong in the sack? Talk about it. Tell her how you feel/felt and ask her to do the same. No judgments’, no finger pointing and no recaps. How did you feel? What do you want? Why did it feel like it did? Amazing things can happen when you are open and honest and don’t allow things to fester.
Nothing is taboo if you decide, as a couple, that nothing is taboo. Nothing is required if it is outside the comfort zone of your or your partner. Don’t use the “be a good guy in bed” mantra to pressure someone into doing something they really don’t want to do. No one is happy if they are pressured. But in the same vein, if you want to bury your tongue up her asshole and she is down with, cool. Go for it. You both might get a kick out of you jerking off in front of a cam while locked away in your office, but she might not be comfortable masturbating on cam for you.
Never feel owed. Do nothing if it is not done freely and without the expectation of reciprocity. If you are doing something only because you are feeling pressured to do it, you will feel owed. By the same token, do not expect your partner to always be willing to meet your desires if you are not willing to reach back and make their happiness just as important to you as it is to them.
Be honest. Hurt feelings are much easier to manage than living in a lie. If your partner is doing something you don’t like, tell them. Even if they really think it is special and they think it is a gift to you. Tell them how to be your perfect lover. Don’t be mean, but there is nothing wrong with saying, “Thanks baby, but I really prefer you to…” Or, “Love you baby, but I that really tickles me more than anything else, how about…” Ask for that honesty back.
Never assume your partner is happy with your sex life. Ask direct questions and you are not allowed to be hurt by any answer you hear. You want to be their perfect love? Well only they can tell you what you are doing right and wrong. Everyone is different. What you think is your best trick might leave your partner dry. She might also want something that she is afraid to ask for. She has to feel safe in asking it from you.
Honest compliments are meaningful. She will smell bullshit and schmoozing from a mile away. Do you love going down on her? Tell her why. Do you really enjoy touching her? She will know by whether or not you do it without being asked.
Be sensitive to her feelings without being a doormat. Does she feel hurt if you watch porn? Well now it is choice time. Do you want to watch porn and beat off, or do you want a happy partner in the sack? The fact is, you might not be able to have both, and which way you go is your choice, not hers. She has a right to her feelings, just as you have a right to hers. Agree to disagree, but always be willing to accept the consequences for your choices.
Be as open minded and free in spirit with her as you’d like her to be with you. If you want a wild woman in the sack, create the environment where she feels safe letting her wild woman out. She will only feel this safe if she feels you are as into the game as she is. If you want, you give.
I can’t really say if this would work for others, but with me and my wife, it has been the formula for a sex life beyond my wildest dreams. It is a relationship built of love, respect, trust and mutual attraction. I was once told that if sex is good, it is five percent of the relationship. If it is bad, it is ninety-five percent of the relationship. For us, it is three percent, and that is despite the fact, that in two and a half years, we have made love, in one form or another, over fifteen hundred times. Eye openers, middle of the nighters, rolling blow jobs, anal, oral, a chest full of toys and Liberator sex furniture are all part of the mix. And they are merely the extension of a passionate love that burns in all parts of our life together. I can’t imagine having this type of true intimacy void of love, but I suppose for many, that wouldn’t be an issue. For us, it would be a return to lives neither of us want.